Over the past few months, I’ve started asking the patients in my primary care practice about bullying. I’m asking them all sorts of questions anyway, about their health and their habits and their daily lives, so it’s not so strange when I ask: “Does anyone pick on you at school?”
A surprising (and heartbreaking) number of children tell me someone is picking on them. Although, given that it’s estimated that up to a quarter of kids experience some sort of bullying, it really shouldn’t be surprising. But what really worries me is that most of the time when a kid tells me they are being bullied, their parents had no idea.
It worries me not just as a doctor, but as a mom. My middle daughter is an awkward, artistic, often moody pre-teen who is more of a loner than I like. She seems to me like just the kind of kid bullies might target. “Does anyone pick on you at school?” I ask her. “I’m not being bullied, Mom,” she says. But I still worry.
There’s been a lot of media attention recently on bullying, in the wake of the suicide of Phoebe Prince, a South Hadley high school freshman who committed suicide after being persistently bullied. Some of that attention has been on the adults in her life. Some had no idea anything was happening. Some knew something was happening, but didn’t realize how bad it was. Some knew something was happening, and spoke up, but it didn’t help.
So what is it about bullying that makes it so hard for adults to see—and help?
It’s hidden. Bullies aren’t stupid; they hide what they are doing, so that they don’t get in trouble. And victims hide it because they are embarrassed—and because they worry that telling about it might make things worse (which sometimes happens). Cyberbullying, in which the bullying takes place on the internet or through text messaging, is even harder for adults to see; it’s silent, can happen when the victim is entirely alone, and occurs within a world and context that most adults don’t know about.
This means that parents, teachers, coaches and other adults who are involved with kids need to have their antennae way up. They need to watch for changes in behavior (anxiety, sadness, poor self-esteem, loss of appetite, for example), dropping grades, unexplained injuries, or coming home with damaged belongings (www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov has information on these and other possible warning signs that a child is being bullied). Direct questioning may not work; indirect questions (how do they spend their day, who do they eat lunch with, etc) may yield more clues. And if questioning doesn’t go anywhere, adults should check in with each other to find out what’s going on at school, home, in the locker room (I check in with my daughter’s teachers and guidance counselor regularly).
People don’t want to see it. We all want our children to be popular, to fit in. It’s hard to think that it’s our child, or our student, who is being picked on. Maybe it brings back memories from our own childhood of being picked on, times we’d just as soon forget. So when a child denies being bullied, says everything is fine (as a bullied child often does), we breathe a sigh of relief and take them at their word. That’s if we get up the nerve to ask. And if it’s our child who is the bully—well, nobody wants to think of their child that way. Nobody wants to think about what this might mean about them as parents; research shows that bullies often come from families who are uninvolved, overly permissive, overly harsh, or who role model bullying behavior. Since bullies are often popular students, it’s easy for parents to think: my kid is great, they would never do something like that.
Confronting bullying is really uncomfortable. But it’s something that adults need to do. Suicide is a rare consequence, but victims can carry emotional scars that can last a lifetime. And not only can being a bully be a sign of mental health problems, bullies are more likely to be aggressive or violent as adults. For example, bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24. This isn’t just a phase that will pass.
People don’t know what to do when they discover bullying. Indeed, it can be hard to figure out how to help. Victims may be bullied worse when the bullies are disciplined, unless the adults are watching closely—but they can’t watch every minute. Some parents, some teachers, some school officials or coaches are more helpful than others. Some schools have rules and consequences, some don’t (although the recent law will help with that). Some victims are lucky enough to have kids stand up for them—others aren’t so lucky.
See, that’s the thing: we all need to fight this together. To make a difference, we need to change the culture of our schools, our teams, our communities; we need to create a culture that doesn’t tolerate bullying. This means education, lots of it, empowerment of kids to stand up against bullying, as well as clear and consistent consequences for anyone who bullies.
But we have to start somewhere. So as adults, let’s start by asking the hard questions—of our kids, of our communities and of ourselves. Let’s get involved, so that we can see what’s going on—and keep trying to find ways to help.
We want to know your thoughts on bullying and the effects it has on today’s kids:
Are there any tell-tale warning signs you recognize in your child that indicate a problem at school with another student?
Do you think that the recent rash of media attention on bullying, cyber or otherwise, has been sensationalized?
If your child has been the victim of bullying, what are somethings you have said (or would like to say) to the parents of the aggressor?
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I have three daughters who have each been bullied. Attempts to address the behavior and its impact with school administration were disregarded. Comments such as, “this is standard mean girl stuff,” and “well, it was over a boy, afterall” punctuated conversations. The Dean of Student Life (dean of discipline) said that other teachers told him not to try to worry about what goes on online if he wants to have a life. Yes, he actually said that to me on my third meeting with him to impress upon him the serious negative impact it was having on my daughter's grades, emotional health, happiness and most recently physical health. She is in a private school and mentioned what a “PR nightmare” it would be for the school if he were to do a 'full court press.'
This foreshadows the lack of seriousness that women face as victims of domestic violence when they seek help from the prevailing authorities.
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that is awful. hopefully when the bill gets passed, the dean will have no choice but to do something.
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My son is now twenty one but when he was in first grade he was bullied. It occurred during early spring, he would get off the school bus and started telling me how he felt like a “slave” and “wished he was not here”. I also noticed that a number of times one of the six year old girls getting off the bus with some other girls and she would complain to me about him but with a smile. She wanted to get him in trouble.
I knew something was up. I spoke to his teacher about what my child was saying. Since the elementary school had some sort of bullying program in place, she went to work. The children were young so it stopped in about two weeks time.
I can't imagine what a teenager would feel about being bullied if a six year old could feel so dread about himself and school.
A clear program in school regarding bullying has to be in place with leadership at the top. Parents have to become aware that their children might be part of the bullying equation either as the bully or being bullied and the adults have to step in. Even if it is “Boys will be boys” or “that is the way Girls are” does not mean it is acceptable.
Children even teenagers like direction.
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My older son was bullied by two neighborhood siblings in the 5th grade. My husband and I tried everything we could think of, talking to the bully's parents, confronting the school, bringing my child to counseling to help him develop strategies that would work against bullies, removing him from the bus, starting steps to remove him from the school. We were at our wits end as no matter what we did made it worse for our child. It was finally a casual conversation with a police officer that stopped these children from bullying our child. This officer contacted the juvenile officer in our town, and they called the parents and had them bring the children in to the police station. The officer confronted the children and the parents with not only what they were doing to our son but to other children in the neighborhood. The bullying stopped after the police conversation and has not returned so far. My son is now doing well in the 7th grade.
It is very sad that children have to die to focus on this subject. It is terrifying as a parent to know that your child is being bullied. It would be even more devastating to not even know that your child is being bullied.
As a society we need to expect adults to stand up and speak out when anyone is being bullied. We do not set good examples for children when adults in school systems or in public look away when bullying is occuring. Ignoring it does not work, it does not go away for the one that is being bullied.
In schools parents of bullies should be told their child has been “accused” of being a bully and work with families to stop the child from bullying behaviors. Parents of children that are being bullied need to be told that their child is experiencing bullying so they can protect their child. Bullied children should not have to die to make the point that bullying in our society is an epidemic that is devastating to so many children, and if confronted by adults can be stopped. Having the new law is a good start.
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My daughter goes to an afterschool program (all girls). One day when she was being
dropped off, she was upset and I asked what was going on. She let me know that
there were two girls bothering her on the bus and I brought it up to the attention of the bus driver and she let me know that she made a report. I then spoke to the afterschool program and we were told in different meetings that my daughter had to use her words to defend herself and she told my daughter to deal with it.
Unbelievable, isn't that something.
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Dr. McCarthy:
Good, important and helpful article. But I think your “awkward, moody, loner, artistic” daughter might be very embarassed that you used her as an example of “just the kind of kid bullies might target” in this public forum.
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From Dr. McCarthy:
Susan,
I talked to my daughter. She’s not embarrassed. I’ve been writing on health and parenting for more than 15 years, so my kids are used to being written about. It’s an occupational hazard of having a mom who is a writer! And she acknowledges that my description of her is accurate and my bullying concerns fair.
She said, though,that it would have been embarrassing if indeed she was being bullied. Which started an interesting conversation about the secrecy that shrouds bullying—and how that secrecy helps the bullying to continue. We talked about how it would help so much if we could be open, really open about bullying—if we could change things enough so that parents and teachers and kids wouldn’t feel like there were any secrets to keep.
Thanks very much for your comment.
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Bullies are predators. The statistics of 1/4 of kids being bullied doesn't mean that 1/4 of kids are doing the bullying – rather that the bullies cast a wide net. They seek out the children most vulnerable to their attacks and then sink in their teeth.
The best defense for the bullied is a strong ethic in their school and community among their peers that bullying is wrong and not acceptable. While a police officer may have been effective for one bullying family, it is not a realistic solution to this broad problem.
SCHOOLS (and, sigh, media) need to teach from a young age that bullying is wrong. Children need to learn to stand up in a group against bullies – even if they aren't the ones being targeted. This behavior may be hidden from parents and teachers, but it is rarely if ever hidden from the other kids.
Dr. McCarthy, next ask your daughter who the bullies are in the school. Ask some of her classmates (not just her friends). The same names will come up. The kids know who the bullies are.
By the way, if your daughter really didn't care – she is cool. May be why she isn't being bullied?
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I talked to my daughter. She’s not embarrassed. I’ve been writing on health and parenting for more than 15 years, so my kids are used to being written about. It’s an occupational hazard of having a mom who is a writer! And she acknowledges that my description of her is accurate and my bullying concerns fair.
She said, though,that it would have been embarrassing if indeed she was being bullied. Which started an interesting conversation about the secrecy that shrouds bullying—and how that secrecy helps the bullying to continue. We talked about how it would help so much if we could be open, really open about bullying—if we could change things enough so that parents and teachers and kids wouldn’t feel like there were any secrets to keep.
Thanks for your comment–it was nice of you to be looking out for my daughter!
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Claire, thanks so much for the post – it's one of the best things I've read on the topic. I'm already worrying about my six-year-old daughter. I think the crux of parents not knowing about bullying is that kids feel their parents can't help. I remember having that feeling when I was bullied as a child myself — the minute you breathe a word, responsible parents will jump on it and only stir up more trouble. So, sadly, kids try to conceal it.
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What do you recommend when the teacher is the bully? Along with several other parents, we approached the superintendent last year to demand change. We knew the reputation the 5th grade teachers had in our school and the negative environment created by their rants on particular students and in general. When my high honors daughter complained of being sick to avoid going to school – I decided to finish the year with her at home. She thrived and is much happier this year, with a wonderfully talented 6th grade teaching team. In NH, where we live, the law doesn't restrict reporting of bullying to only children and, requires other teachers to report bullying. However, due to the power of teacher's unions, firing teachers who bully is easier said than done. We teach our children to respect adults. But when the teacher humiliates, demeans, harshly criticizes a child in front of their peers and yells within a classroom, how do we teach them to respond? I have a third grader and will be fighting this to ensure no other child has to endure another year in such a hostile environment. Thanks for letting me vent.
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I ask my daughter every day how her day was, of course she's a teenager so that sometimes is a problem. If I feel that something is wrong and she won't talk to me I will usually ask one of her close friends on Facebook if anything happened that day. I find that most of her problems at this moment are because of a boy, I tell her no matter what every single day that she can talk to me about anything, if someone is bothering her to let me know or to tell a good friend, even a teacher if it gets to that point. It has taken a long time but she finally is standing up for herself. I can't imagine losing her because I didn't know what was going wrong in her life that she would take her life, so I push a little just to stay in the loop. That is the only advice I could give to parents is talk and do things with your kids all the time because they grow up too too fast.
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Dr. McCarthy: I have a son who is autistic. He does not yet attend school, but will this coming Fall. While I don't expect to have to deal with bullying in preschool (but, who knows?), the thought that he will be an easy target for bullies in the later years scares the heck out of me. He is verbal, but I was just wondering if you have any advice for parents of children with special needs in this regard? Or are the “warning signs” the same?
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My daughter just turned 9 andis in the third grade. She has identified the bullies at school. Now it seems that she is bullied everywhere we go. What are the warning signs of depression in pre-teen girls? Should I contact the pediatrician? She is already seeing an LMFT. She used to be so happy! Now she can't even decide what to eat. Her regular response is I don't know, I don't know!
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